


heart taking root

by CountlessUntruths (KaliCephirot)



Category: Green Creek Series - T.J. Klune, Wolfsong - T.J. Klune
Genre: Canon Compliant, Coming Out, Crush, M/M, seemingly unrequited feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-22 22:44:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13774173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaliCephirot/pseuds/CountlessUntruths
Summary: Loving someone doesn't mean they love you back. Love isn't about being fair, either. Love is about choices, and Joe has to make his. (Missing scene, canon compliant)





	heart taking root

_“You're trying not to tell him you love him,_  
_and you're trying to choke down the feeling,_  
_and you're trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you,_  
_like a prayer for which no words exist,_  
_and you feel your heart taking root in your body,_  
_like you've discovered something you don't even have a name for.”_  
_― Richard Siken, Crush_

The phone rings. His tone for Ox, and Joe considers not answering, but he aches, not having seen nor talked to Ox more than briefs 'yes and no's mostly in more than two weeks.

But he _hurts_ and Ox still smells of that whoever-it-was with the, the-- the moto, Carter had said, and big arms and dark skin and.

He hurts. And he shouldn't answer but he does, even though his throat feels tight.

"Hey, Ox."

Ox isn't nearby: it's still early enough that he's still probably at the shop (fucking more strangers, a viscious voice says inside him and Joe hateshateshates that voice)-- but even so, even though Ox isn't near, Joe thinks he can feel Ox's nervousness, his surprise, a wild staccato inside his chest.

"... hi, Joe. Am I... you busy?"

He can almost see Joe, the way he's probably frowning. Ox doesn't really bite his lips, but in his mind, Joe imagines he does. He rolls unto his stomach, eyes closed.

"Not really, I was... taking a nap." It sounds like a good enough excuse as to why his voice sounds odd. "Didn't get much sleep."

He hears Ox's sharp intake of breath and he curse in his mind, rushing to add. "No nightmares! Just-- homework. Studying."

And it's not even completely a lie because it wasn't one of his nightmares, not really, but it wasn't a good dream, really, thinking of Ox and this guy... guys, even, because he has smelled it before. It wasn't a nightmare, but it was a reminder that he, most likely, just isn't enough.

"You sure?"

"I'm not a baby, Ox. You don't have to worry about me." He says and winces because it sounds mean. He sounds mean. He doesn't like sounding that way with Ox.

"I know, Joe," Ox sounds hurt. Joe closes his eyes against the tighthurtache inside his chest. "But you're my friend."

Joe stays quiet, his throat tight. Ox misses him, probably as much as he misses Ox. He swallows until he thinks he can speak. "I gotta go. I still have to study for my test tomorrow."

A moment. Then a sigh. He thinks that Ox is trying to smile, but he sounds sad and he's an asshole and he hurts.

"Okay, Joe. Talk to you later, then."

It's not _fair _.__

And his afternoon doesn't get better from that on. Carter tries to tease him about his bad mood ("who pissed on your cheerios baby bro?") and it's good that he's doing it-- Joe knows it's good, because he remembers when he-- when it happened, how long it took for Kelly and Carter to treat him like their brother again instead of like someone weak and fragile and--

_("--not a very good Alpha", the man says, petting his hair softly once before claws dig up on his shoulder and down his back and there's nowhere to run away he can't move and he wants to go home--)_

But he's not a baby and when Carter tries to mess up his hair Joe pushes his hand again and he growls at his brother, feels claws and teeth and anger. Carter takes a step back and his dad, who had been talking with Mark, walks towards him, eyes red.

"Stop, now." His father, the Alpha, commands, his eyes flashing red. And a part of Joe doesn't want to, because he's angryhurtsadupset but the Alpha ordered him andhe could have hurt Carter. Carter was playing and Joe wanted to attack.

His wolf calms down, but he doesn't: he feels tears sting his eyes, his breath hitching, but when his father tries to put a hand on his shoulder he pushes him away, running outside.

They leave him alone, for a while, and when they do go, it's his mom who goes to him, sitting by his side. Joe leans against her and for a moment he's so very glad that he's not taller than her just yet _("--not good enough, not a good Alpha--")_ , that when his mom wraps her arm around his shoulders he can still feel covered by her, protected, safe.

"Sorry."

"I know," his mom kisses his forehead, then leans her head against his. "You'll apologize to Carter later."

He gives a soft whine, acnowledging that, letting his mom's scent of paint and daisies and that rosemary lotion she uses for her hands to sooth him.

And because it's his mom, she knows what's wrong.

"Ox hasn't been much around lately," she says, softly. "But he always asks about you. He's worried, Joe."

Another whine. His mom sighs, softly.

"You can't punish him this way, Joe. And you can't punish the pack this way either. He's pack. We miss him, too."

"I don't want to punish him," Joe mumbles, and then winces because his heart skipped at the lie. His mom allows him a moment, waits until he finds his words. "I don't mean to-- it. It hurts, mom."

"I know, Joe."

"No, you don't," he pushes a little away, looks at her, and he hates that he feels like crying. "You and dad loved each other since you were fifteen. He gave you his wolf and-- and. And Ox just... he doesn't _see_ me! It's not fair!"

His mom reaches a hand to his face and Joe nuzzles against it for a moment, leans his weight, his still baby-soft-no-beard-no-need-to-shave-baby-not-Alpha cheek against her rough-soft hand. She gives him a small smile.

"Ox does see you, Joe. You're his best friend."

At that he pushes away, a little. His throat feels itchy, inside, too tight.

"Mom, you know what I mean!" A whine, low in his throat, hurt. "I love him."

At that his mom remains quiet, and it's not a surprise, he doesn't think, because he has loved Ox forever. Maybe not that first moment, even though it was the first time in forever he felt safe. But by the next day and Ox's first sunday family dinner, it was starting to grow there.

His mom sighs like a summer breeze, and she takes his hand, rubs her thumb against his knuckles.

"You have to make a choice, Joe."

"I already _did_."

"No, not about loving Ox, but about how are you going to love him." Gently, with her rough-soft hand, his mom stops his hand, him from turning into a wolf. "Maybe one day, Ox will come to love you like you love him, and you'll both be more from that. But, Joe, you have to be aware that maybe, maybe he won't. Maybe Ox will keep on loving you the way he does now, as friend and brother and pack but not as lover."

It hurts, deep in his chest, as if claws were threatening to open him wide and cutcutcut inside him. Joe bites his lip and tastes blood, feels the telltale sting of tears. His breath hitches, catches in his chest, and his mom holds tightly to his hand, moves her free hand to his face, rubbing at his cheek where it's already wet.

"And your choice, Joe, what you have to decide is if that love would be enough. Because Ox is pack and he will be pack even if he doesn't love you back. And not loving you back... it's not a crime."

Joe wants to fight. Wants to say how Ox had promised, how he's Joe and Ox is Ox and that that is meant to mean something more. How he should be enough, or how even if he isn't enough just yet, he would be, that the voices (the voice) inside his head are wrong because he's going to get to be an Alpha his dad and the pack could be proud of, he will be, and he will get to grow up and be a man that Ox can fall in love with.

... but he knows that it doesn't depend on him. It isn't his choice. Ox is the one who has to choose. And maybe... maybe he won't choose him. And he can't keep punishing him for that. He is Ox's friend first. Had promised him, too, that they'd be best friends forever.

His heart is breaking.

His mom makes a soft, sad sound, letting go of his hand and face to instead hold him close, and Joe doesn't care how many times he has said that he's not a baby, that he's almost fifteen, that he's closer to eighteen than ten and that means he's almost grown up, really. He curls around his mom, face against her neck, and cries until some of the pain of a crumbling heart washes out.

**

Ox walks slowly towards his house. His mom told him she was going to have a double shift, how she'd get a ride home later. So the house is going to be dark and empty and the Bennett house... he could go, he knows, and be well received by everyone but Joe, and that would make him feel the way his daddy sometimes made him feel, like a dumb Ox who didn't know any better, someone who was made to be regretted, probably.

He aches, and then he feels the ache again but not-- not his. So he looks up and there, as if the past three weeks hadn't happen, Joe, looking at him with wide, shockedsadhurtupset blue eyes.

"... hey, Joe."

"Hey, Ox." He swallows and gets close. "You're sad."

He doesn't say yes or no. He can sort of feel Joe, with the tether that's him, inside them both. Joe wasn't asking because he knows.

"You still mad?" He asks instead.

Joe winces. Slowly they start walking, kicking up dirt and rocks as they do.

"Not much. Just." Joe looks at him and he tries to glare, but mostly he looks hurt. "You didn't tell me you liked guys, too."

"Oh." Ox blinks, because he is so sure that he had but... he could remembers telling Carter, the terrible certainty that maybe his friend would look at him with disgust and hate and the green relief of him joking at him, with him. Remembers his mom telling him he loved him and would always love him. Even starting to ask Thomas, then not asking, then starting to again, and Thoma's big, rough hand on the back of his neck, squeezing gently and grounding him, and he hadn't actually said anything to Thomas but because he didn't need to, in the end. Thomas had said, withotu a word, that no, he didn't mind, that no, he wasn't going to reject him and that he was loved for everything that made him Ox, and his bisexuality was included in that.

But among all the people he had worried about maybe considering him different, all the people he had prepared to tell them about liking guys as well as girls, about trying to prepare his heart just in case he was going to get shit for this, the way his daddy had said... he'd never considered Joe, among the people that he could lose. And thus, he never actually thought he had to come out to Joe.

And Joe's hurt shines clearer, and maybe it wasn't truly about anger. "Why tell them and not me?"

"Because... because you're Joe. You're Joe and I'm Ox and that's... I didn't think it matter. With us." Fear crawls down his throat like something slimy, curls around his heart and squeezes. "Does it?"

"What? No! It doesn't!"

At that, Joe grabs his hand and squeezes, leaning his whole body against Ox's side. Fear eased its hold in his heart, and Ox squeezes back.

"Are you going to get boyfriends now?" Joe asks, not looking up.

"I... don't know. Maybe, if I like 'em." Doesn't say a thing about how most of Green Creek's queer population is probably five people at the time being, and two of them are Gordo and Mark. But among Joe's blues and violets, there's a lot of gold to his words that makes something in Ox's head to shift and then everything makes sense. "Even if I do, you're still my best friend, Joe. You know that, right?"

He's not sure what he expected from Joe's feelings. It's a little like a whirlwind again, blues and greens and gold and blueblueblue and then green, and the green and the blue wash out almost all of that until it still into a sort of watery blue green relief, like the lake they sometimes go, when it's hot. Joe sighs and it sounds as if something settled inside him as well and then Joe lets go of his hand and Ox is being hugged tightly by a gangly teenager werewolf. Joe's last growthspurth has his chin digging at his chest and Ox hugs him back, leaning his head against Joe's blond hair.

"Sorry I was an ass." Joe mumbles.

Ox nods once. "Sorry I didn't tell you."

Joe nods as well, but neither of them lets go until Carter yells at them that if they have maybe kissed and made up already, would they hurry the fuck up so they all could maybe have dinner sometime this week, maybe?

Joe yells something rude back and Ox laughs. Joe grins at him and neither of them mentions about the not-Alpha redness in their eyes.

(Joe holds his hand all the way back home).


End file.
